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Why does your child now hate going to school? A psychiatrist explains the underlying causes.

Every parent faces the occasional “I don’t want to go to school” morning. But when it becomes a pattern, tears at the door, sudden stomach aches, or a child clinging desperately to you, it’s no longer about laziness or stubbornness. It's a more profound emotional signal that requires tact rather than coercion.

New Delhi

Every parent faces the occasional “I don’t want to go to school” morning. But when it becomes a pattern, tears at the door, sudden stomach aches, or a child clinging desperately to you, it’s no longer about laziness or stubbornness. It’s a deeper emotional signal, and one that needs gentle attention rather than pressure.

Dr Samant Darshi, Interventional Psychiatrist, Yatharth Hospitals, Noida & Director, Psymate Healthcare, spoke to us to highlight the importance of the matter. School refusal sits at the intersection of psychology, behaviour, and fear. Unlike truancy, where a child actively avoids school for thrill or rebellion, school refusal is rooted in genuine distress. It's "a reaction to emotional disturbance, usually anxiety, fear, or stress, not mischief," according to Dr. Samant Darshi. The first step in helping your child is realizing this difference.

Symptoms and indicators that parents should not ignore

Dr Darshi notes that the body often expresses anxiety long before children find the words for it. Common indicators include:

  • Frequent morning headaches, stomach aches, or throat pain.
  • Frequent morning headaches, stomach aches, or throat pain.
  • Repeated complaints about attending school.
  • avoiding days when there are exams, group projects, or presentations.
  • Spending long hours in the school nurse’s room with vague symptoms.
  • excessive worry over their parents' safety while they are away.
  • An important hint: once the child stays at home, these symptoms typically go away, only to reappear the following morning.

    What causes school refusal? The emotional foundations

    According to Dr Darshi, school refusal is rarely about one single cause. It usually results from a confluence of environmental and psychological factors.

    The four main causes

  • Avoiding negative feelings like anxiety, panic, depression, or learning difficulties.
  • Avoiding certain situations, such as bullying, tests, public speaking, or group work.
  • It is mainly attention-seeking or reassurance, particularly among children with separation anxiety.
  • Preferring comforting alternatives like staying home to play, rest, or pursue hobbies.
  • Other triggers include:

  • Social phobia or extreme shyness
  • Stress in the family (disease, disputes, addiction, or financial hardship)
  • Fear of unexpected stressful situations, school fights, or emergency drills
  • Dr. Darshi emphasizes that transitions, new grades, new schools, or significant life changes are frequently associated with school refusal.

    How psychologists identify school refusal

    A proper evaluation goes beyond simple observation because anxiety is internal and easily masked. Diagnosis typically includes:

  • A proper evaluation goes beyond simple observation because anxiety is internal and easily masked. Diagnosis typically includes:
  • Clinical interviews with parents and children
  • Academic background and observations made by teachers
  • Excluding medical conditions
  • What parents can do at this time

  • Rule out illness first. See a physician to make sure your symptoms are not physical.
  • Work with teachers and school counsellors. They are able to identify triggers that you might miss at home.
  • Promote gradual attendance. The longer a child stays away, the harder the return.
  • Remain composed and sympathetic. Steer clear of punishment as it can exacerbate anxiety.
  • Create predictable morning routines. Fear is lessened by structure.
  • A shortened school day, encouraging words, small steps, or a familiar adult at drop-off can all make a big difference.

    When is the right time to get expert assistance?

    Dr Darshi recommends mental health support if:

  • Symptoms persist for more than two weeks.
  • The child refuses, despite family efforts.
  • You notice signs of anxiety, depression, trauma, or withdrawal
  • The child expresses feelings of hopelessness or self-harm.
  • Early intervention helps prevent long-term emotional difficulties in addition to resolving school refusal.

    About 1 in 20 kids experience school refusal, especially during big school transitions. With patience, empathy, and structured support, most children go back to school with renewed confidence. Kids need understanding, not pressure. Healing starts when their fears are acknowledged and addressed.




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    Why Do Hindus Perform Puja and Aarti? Understanding the Heart of Hindu Worship

    I used to watch my mom every evening, same time, same routine. She'd light an oil lamp, ring a small bell, wave incense sticks in circles, and sing the same songs she'd sung for thirty years. As a teenager, I found it... quaint. Maybe a little boring. Definitely something "old people did."

    Then I moved halfway across the world for work. New city, new job, crushing anxiety, zero support system. One particularly brutal evening after a terrible presentation at work, I found myself lighting a tea light in my studio apartment (didn't have proper diyas), putting it on a shelf next to a tiny Ganesha figurine my mom had slipped into my luggage, and just... sitting there. No mantras, no proper procedure. Just me, a flickering flame, and the smell of cheap jasmine incense from the Indian grocery store.

    Something shifted. Not in my external circumstances – my job still sucked, my boss was still impossible, my presentation still bombed. But something inside settled. For five minutes, I wasn't thinking about quarterly reports or imposter syndrome or whether I'd made a huge mistake moving here. I was just... present.

    That's when I finally got what my mom had been doing all those years. Puja isn't about appeasing some cosmic bureaucrat who's keeping score. It's about creating space to remember you're part of something bigger than your immediate problems. And aarti? That beautiful ceremony where you wave flames and sing? It's the peak moment where all of that crystallizes into something you can actually feel.

    So let me tell you what I've learned about why Hindus do puja and aarti – not from a textbook, but from actually living it.

    What Even Is Puja? (Beyond the Textbook Definition)

    The word "puja" comes from the Sanskrit root meaning "to honor" or "to worship." On the surface, it's a ritual where you make offerings to a deity – flowers, water, incense, food, light. But that's like saying a wedding is "two people signing a legal document." Technically true, but missing the entire point.

    Puja is really about relationship. It's the Hindu way of saying, "Hey Divine, I see you, I respect you, I want to connect with you." Different traditions explain the philosophy differently, but the heart of it is the same: you're acknowledging that there's sacred presence in the universe (or within yourself, depending on your philosophical bent), and you're choosing to honor that presence through specific actions.

    Here's what I find beautiful about it: Hinduism doesn't make you choose between transcendent mystical experience and grounded earthly practice. Puja bridges both. You're doing very physical things – lighting lamps, arranging flowers, offering food – but the intention behind those actions is spiritual connection.

    My friend Maya, who's studying neuroscience, puts it this way: "Puja is like a multisensory meditation protocol. You're engaging sight with the deity's image and the flame, smell with the incense, touch with the offerings, sound with the mantras and bells, taste with the prasad. You're basically hijacking all your sensory systems to create a focused state of awareness."

    That's way more interesting than "ancient superstitious ritual," isn't it?

    The Anatomy of Puja: What Actually Happens

    There are technically 16 formal steps to a complete puja (called shodasha upachara), but most people don't do all 16 daily. Even my super-devout grandmother simplified it for everyday worship. Here's what a typical home puja looks like:

    Preparation (Purification): You clean yourself and the puja space. This isn't just about physical hygiene – though that matters. It's about creating a mental boundary between "regular life" and "sacred time." When I shower before puja, I'm literally washing off the day's stress and mentally preparing to be present.

    Sankalpa (Setting Intention): You state why you're doing the puja. Sometimes it's simple: "For peace and well-being." Sometimes specific: "For my daughter's exam tomorrow." The point is conscious intention. You're not just going through motions.

    Invocation (Avahana): You invite the deity's presence. This is where traditions differ. Some believe the deity literally enters the murti (sacred image). Others see it as focusing your awareness on the divine quality that image represents. Both work psychologically – you're creating a focal point for your devotion.

    Offerings: This is the heart of puja. You offer:

    • Flowers (beauty and impermanence)
    • Incense (purification and the spreading of good qualities)
    • Lamp/Light (knowledge dispelling ignorance)
    • Water (life and cleansing)
    • Food (sustenance and sharing)

    Each offering has symbolic meaning, but honestly? The meaning matters less than the act of giving. You're practicing generosity, even symbolically. And there's something psychologically powerful about giving your best to something beyond yourself.

    Aarti: The ceremony of light – we'll dive deep into this in a moment.

    Prasad: Receiving back the blessed food as a gift from the divine. This completes the circle: you gave, the divine blessed it, now you receive.

    Here's what nobody tells you: you can do a full puja in 10 minutes or 2 hours. The elaborate temple ceremonies with priests chanting Sanskrit for hours? Beautiful, but not necessary for personal practice. My morning puja takes maybe 15 minutes. Light lamp, offer water and flowers, chant a couple mantras, do aarti, sit for a few minutes in meditation, take prasad. Done.

    The magic isn't in the length. It's in the consistency and the intention.

    Aarti: The Ceremony That Makes You Feel Something

    If puja is the full ritual meal, aarti is the dessert that makes everything memorable.

    The word "aarti" comes from Sanskrit "aaratrika," which roughly translates to "that which removes darkness." And that's literally what you're doing – waving light in circular motions before the deity while singing devotional songs.

    Here's the standard setup: a metal plate (usually brass or copper) holding a lamp with one or more wicks soaked in ghee or oil, sometimes camphor, occasionally flowers or rice. You light the lamp, ring a bell with your left hand, wave the flame in clockwise circles with your right hand, and sing an aarti song specific to that deity.

    After the aarti, you bring the flame to each person present. They cup their hands over the heat (not touching!), then touch their hands to their forehead and eyes. The idea: you're receiving the light/blessing of the divine and taking it into yourself.

    Why the specific circular motion? Tradition says you're circumambulating the deity, showing respect by "walking around" them. The clockwise direction represents the movement of positive energy. Skeptical? Fair. But try it – there's something about the rhythm of circular movement, the sound of bells, the flicker of flame that creates a trance-like focus. It's basically sacred choreography.

    Why five flames? When aartis use five-wicked lamps, each flame represents one of the five elements: earth, water, fire, air, and space. You're symbolically offering the entirety of creation back to the creator. It's beautiful philosophy, but even if you don't believe in that, the symmetry and the light from multiple flames creates a mesmerizing effect.

    I've been to massive temple aartis with hundreds of people singing, bells clanging, drums beating, and the energy is absolutely electric. I've also done tiny solo aartis in my kitchen with a single tea light. Both work. The scale doesn't matter. The presence does.

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